Struggling to Stay on the Right Path

Hello again! I don't know about you all, but yesterday's weather was just awful. Don't you just hate waking up in a great mood then going outside to the gloomiest weather? It's funny how weather can have an affect on your mood, and then the dominoes start falling. After the weather, it's something else, then something else and etc...And that is exactly how my day went yesterday, until I hit rock bottom.

Now my rock bottom isn't sitting around sipping on scotch until I pass out. Let's just clarify that. My rock bottom is crying. I think we have already confirmed I'm a girl, right? So yeah, crying is every, well most, girl's rock bottom. But the amazing thing about hitting that spot is two things: 1. that's when I ultimately rely on my Jesus and 2. I have the most amazing best friend, that when I don't want to rely on my Jesus, she leads me to.

Let's take a moment so I can give you a brief history of our relationship. We met in college and have been friends now for a little over three years. We are insanely silly when we are together and most people don't really understand us, but we provide free entertainment with our quirkiness, so I don't think anyone minds to hang out with us. We don't call each other by our names when we talk to each other; we actually call each other best friend. For example, when answering the phone, we say "hello, best friend" then in response, "hello, best friend!" See, weird, huh? But the best thing about us is that in the past year, we have led each other in this wonderful journey to know our creator even better. I laugh sometimes when I think back of us sharing our problems to each other. We always wanted to give the best advice, with mixing in what we thought each other wanted to hear; for heaven knows the best advice IS NOT what you want to hear. Yet, after years of friendship and growing in this journey together, we have come to respond with each other’s problems as, "well have you prayed about it? What do you think God is trying to tell you? I'll pray for you." And as a Christian struggling that is exactly what I need to hear, and know that I have a best friend that reminds me that I need to always pray. The bible states that you can never over pray; it's our way of talking to God, and who wouldn't want to talk to God?! HELLOOOOO!!!

So back to hitting rock bottom... you may ask the reason? Well I'm not going to get in extreme detail, because this isn't a blog about my personal life, this is a blog to share how God pulled me up out of the feeling I was experiencing, and carried me. Some people think that being a Christian means that our lives are perfect. And let me tell you, it AIN'T! (Sorry mom. I'm the daughter of an English teacher. She's probably editing this right now and sending me a revised copy). In case you didn't know this, Christians are the "outsiders" in this society now, and sometimes its hard being an outsider. But what is amazing about that is God says that he will never leave us standing alone. In Joshua 1 God states, “No one will ever stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, I will never leave you or forsake you." Never leave me? Never forsake me? I just fall in love with that verse every time I hear that. No matter what I do or say, he will never be so mad at me to leave me. In times of struggle, he is standing right beside me, ready to catch me when I fall.

Now I will admit, there were times when I felt alone and just couldn't feel him or hear him speak to me. Then I have this image of a father and daughter. And she's learning to ride her bike without the training wheels. Now the father isn't going to hold her the whole time, there is a point in time where he has to let go and let her do it for herself, to see how well she can accomplish the lesson she has been taught. And I feel that is exactly what God does with us. He guides us and is always there for us, ready to catch us when we fall, and finally there might be a time where we don't fall and he is walking hand in hand with us.

So last night I was struggling. Emotions over took me. I feel like when every girl is my age we expect to know what our next step is going to be: will I marry him, when will I start having children, is this where I will call my home. And for some reason, I was born thinking my calling in life was to be a psychic. Weird? I know.  I expect to know all these answers and exactly when they will happen. However I am learning that I am not. God does not have to tell me any of these things; he wants me to trust him and to trust the journey he has planned for me. Ooohh, there it is again: just trust him.

My rock bottom usually comes after relationships. Surprise, surprise, but remember: I’m a girl.  I'm a motherly type of a girl, not in the sense that I'm telling you to be home at midnight, but in the way that if you have a struggle or a problem that you can't handle, then fear not, wonder woman is here!! I can handle it, don't you worry. God's response to that is HA! But I don't hear that at all, instead I try harder and harder to solve their problems, to give them what they need. However, I never come close to that. A wonderful friend of mine, who I feel was placed in my life to disciple me, asked me one night, "Amanda, why do you date people who need to be saved? Why do you want to save everyone?" I was speechless; because as much as I would love to save everyone and make their world perfect, I can't. I get so lost in saving them, I forget to keep in constant communication with my Jesus, and the most important relationship in my life is put on the back burner. And that is exactly what I was struggling with last night. I was feeling hatred, and I hate to feel that toward someone, but I was. I let this feeling get the best of me to where I wasn't even praying about it. I was thinking about how much a priority of pleasing people was to me and how I never felt like I received it back, in any relationship. I kept asking "Why, do I have to go through all these?! Where is my prince charming? Hello God, don't you know I'm in my mid twenties?? Time is running out!! Where’s that Godly man who is looking for me?!" HAHA, yes that's me laughing at myself right now. Because I realized (with the help of best friend and God) that I wasn't feeling hatred toward anyone but myself. Why, you ask? I will tell you the reason: because when I'm trying to please everyone, I DO put the relationship most important on the back burner. I turn my back on my Jesus and I tell him I have more important things to deal with. I tell him, "hold on, I'm gonna try to fix this because I'm not sure if they're praying about it, therefore I can take it from here." I'm insulting him telling him I can do it better than he, and I think we stated in the last blog, I am not planning on walking on water or being crucified and raising from the grave. It is not my responsibility. And the one who suffers the most is me, and I realized that last night. I realized how much I was insulting my Jesus by not letting him save my friends. I CAN NOT save anyone. Wow, step one: admittance. Let me say that again, I CAN NOT save anyone. (Wow that felt good). I can plant the seed, however Jesus is the only one who can save, and that is between God and that individual. The most I can do is pray for them. And boy did I start praying last night. It actually started when I was on the phone with best friend (if you're reading, hence the reason I got super quiet and resorted to responding with yeahs and yeps). The first thing I prayed for was peace. And my tears dried. The second thing I prayed for was for the hatred I was feeling. And I felt the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders. And the third thing I prayed for was for the individual who I was trying to save. And a smile was brought to my face.

Ahh the power of prayer. The way it brings peace to my life is just amazing. So what do you need to pray about today? Do you strive to be a psychic? Do you struggle along your journey with God like I do? It's okay, because God is right by your side, never leaving you nor forsaking you. And right now, I am praying for you.